Oh, goodness.

It's funny now, being a senior in college.
I remember being a senior in high school like it was a week ago, thinking I was a hot shit for being 16 and knowing what I wanted to do for the rest of my life and for getting the fuck out of Rockland, MA. And now I'm 20, and I'm a senior somewhere else, where I'm not hot shit whatsoever. I'm as scared and confused as everyone else about what I'm supposed to do when I graduate. I only know that I still know what I want to do for the rest of my life, just not how to live comfortably doing that.

Well.. scratch that. Because I technically could move up to Bar Harbor, ME or go over to P-Town and paint nautical landscapes and pictures of wildlife and boats and sell it for hundreds of dollars apiece.

And I could move to Florida and work for Disney, working on storyboards or sitting in front of a screen rendering animation frames for all eternity. And I could do it really, really well.

But I want more for me. I want my name to mean something to people when they hear it. I want to make people laugh and enjoy color and appreciate and see things the way I see them. I want to make the people around me happy with my art the way it makes me happy. I want to be recognized for making art that I love to do. I mean, I don't hate freelance work - it's nice to have the direction and variety in my work - but I want something more.

I don't know.
I want to be doing what all of my favorite artists are doing. I want to be doing collaborations with people I think are interesting. I want to be staying up in someone's studio all night just thinking and drawing and sharing supplies and watching old movies and laughing. I smile really wide when I'm making a piece of art that I like - I can't wipe it off my face. I want to be doing that all the time.

But I'm assuming I'm not alone in my vision. I'm pretty sure that every other kid who applied to my school, or any other art school in the world, thought they would just be so good that people of all manner of life would come just to marvel at it.

But I've wanted this since 3rd grade. People tell me I'm the one who's "going to make it." I've finally revived that passion I had for art as a kid, and I'm going to make it the way I want to make it.

One day, people will know the name "Bamcat" and say, "Oh yeah, I knew her way back when..."